Outdoor Ambitions

A breeze keeps blowing my loose strands of hair into my face and if I tilt my head just right, I can see a threading of web reflecting light through the blades of grass. The smell of someone grilling and the sound of birdsong mix now with the quiet clack of the keyboard. I am somehow in a different life but it is my own.

I haven’t read an actual book in maybe, over a year. Someone was kind enough to send me one off of my Amazon wishlist, suggested by my mentor. It’s so beautiful outside today again, after most of the week being rain and snow. Going on a walk is suggested but the mentally tired bug bit me earlier today and was not shaken. Resting outside, reading for the first time in forever, carding my fingers through the velveteen fur of my rabbit, has melted the work day away.

It’s not just any book either. It’s not an escape (which I am constantly seeking) or a cover up. It requests that I face reality and ask myself hard questions.

we need to figure out where we are before we plot a course forward

Bob Goff – Dream Big

I am urged to open my eyes, take a clear look at everything I think about myself and why, sort through my desires and ambitions as if doing an internal spring cleaning, and truly put in the work to make my life what I long for it to be.

No more doing what merely occupies, entertains, and numbs us?

Bob Goff – Dream Big

Can you be honest with yourself? How difficult is it for you?
As the light fades into evening and the breeze becomes chilled, I will go back inside but take these questions with me.

From only three chapters into the book, I already highly suggest it. Have you heard of it? Read it? Dream Big by Bob Goff

Today’s Someday

I wrote the excerpt below, about nine years ago. I did not own a piano. I did not have my own place to live.

Someday, in my made up future, I will wake up to the birds singing and the sunlight streaming through my window. Smiling, I will slip out from between my covers and stretch, fingers towards the ceiling, before walking into the kitchen. I will make myself a delicious, healthy, breakfast and eat it outside in the morning air. After putting the dishes away, getting dressed, and pulling my hair back, I will go and sit down at my deep, black, grand piano and let all of my thoughts and feelings flow out of my fingertips until they echo in the air.
Maybe I will laugh, a smile on my face. Maybe I will cry, tears escaping with each note.
And after I’m done, and there is nothing left to be said, I will close that gorgeous piano back up. I will close the doors to the room where the emotions still hover thick in the air, and I will step into the breathtaking sunshine. Eyes closed, I will listen, waiting for your response.

Reading this poem now, I can see that my dream for my future has pretty much become true. There are no doors to close my piano into it’s own room because I live in a (wonderful) studio apartment. There was no chance that I could purchase my bucket-list instrument, but my grandmother willed me hers.

This was a reminder I needed.

I hope you enjoyed a peek into some of my very old writing.

Inside of the piano

Forward

I wonder, if someone was to write the “forward” to my life right now, what would they say?

I have such an overwhelming desire to create, to push my boundaries, stretch my wings and see how far they can take me. I want the time to devote to these pursuits, to learn and grow.

This pandemic has given me so much but also left me wondering where can I really go from here? I would love a creative field to be my sustaining career but currently, I work in an office position that drains me emotionally and fills my bank account better than any previous employment. I have ideas that I want to test and joy that I want to bring to people but my energy after a work day is close to zero and my weekends are spent trying to catch up on the “adulting” to-do list, taking care of myself, and preparing for the week ahead. This does not leave much room for the things that I am passionate about.

Does anyone out there have any advice on this?
The logical, responsible, side of me says, this is how it is and you just have to do the 9-5 thing in order to be taken seriously, to properly provide for yourself, and to make anything of yourself in society’s eyes.
The other side of me, high on imagination and dreams, keeps saying that there must be a way to make it possible. This blog is the only step I’ve been able to take in the direction of my dreams lately. I don’t know if it will be able to ignite the others and bring them to life as well, but it’s a step.

My very idea of what I would want to do for my own creative business rests in the idea of a mental escape. We all need that excitement, that adventure and glee, like the kind you get from immersing yourself in another world through a good book or a fantastical movie.
Not all of us can go study at an elite university in Europe, get caught up in a dramatic love, worthy of poetry that lives through ages of history. Not (any?) of us were born royalty, struggling to make the right decisions for our kingdom, while pacing the halls of our castle in elegant garb. There are some who live in cottages or on farms, surrounded by the quiet morning until it is pierced by the rooster announcing arrival of a new day. Dark, hidden hovels, tucked into the lush forest, rafters strung with herbs and the aroma of fresh bread, all of these beckon to me as lives I do not have but want a taste of.

I’ve been trying to bring bits of, pieces of, these feelings and ideas into my own life as much as I can. The way the sun shone on a stand-out piece of moss or the mud squished under my boots, on my walk with a friend, these are things that I find myself clinging to.

There are many things for me to be grateful for, many provisions, I just wonder, if I reached out, could I touch the stars?

Thank you for reading my brain explosion/rant/excitement. If you work in a creative field that is considered much less likely to “succeed” by society, (artists, musicians, creative writers, etc.) do you have any suggestions?

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Endings with PB&J

The fact that I wanted to be an author for several years of my life but have never finished a story really bothers me sometimes. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to finish what I put my mind to. I’ve always had a hard time with endings, with goodbyes. My style of writing stories always throws you straight into the thick of it and I’m curious if that makes beginnings hard too. Even writing this post, my mind is running from one thing to the next too quickly. A chorus of things I want to do and associated thoughts sing in my head like an orchestra with an untrained conductor.

Letter writing is something that I’ve wanted to get into but I haven’t had anyone to write to. Today, I received a response to a letter I had written back to the only Christmas letter addressed only to me. I’m very excited to continue snail mailing them so that’s an instrument in my brain orchestra.

Derailing from writing is my desire to practice and grow in my Japanese language knowledge. A good friend told me she couldn’t read my blog because I did not properly use the oxford comma. This threw me into a conundrum, as I had thought I was fully supporting the correct use of said comma. My writing is rustier than I had originally thought. What does that have to do with Japanese? Just the wondering if the sentence structure of Japanese has seeped into how I write my English phrases. Are there any other strong supporters of the Oxford comma here? Anyone who speaks, reads and writes Japanese?

Thank you for reading my poorly conducted thoughts this evening.
It feels like eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, when you could have cooked something. Maybe it’s messy and quick, but at least it’s classic comfort food.

Hope and Sunshine

It’s finally the weekend and I’m sitting on my bed soaking up the sunshine streaming in through my window as I write. I find that inspiration strikes me the most when there is either sunshine, starlight, or pain to draw from.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I want to explore things that I’m fully present in and am passionate about so, I will touch on what some of those things tend to include.

Cooking~
Finding new combinations, learning about ingredients, making beautiful food, all of these things draw me to cooking and baking. A large part of finding things fulfilling or enjoyable for me, seems to involve the narrative I can imagine along with it. Even if it’s just putting some take-out into a pretty dish, cooking and baking is, for me, about how it looks as well as how it tastes.

Aesthetics~
The look and feel of things really enable me to escape to places that I may never get to visit or simply do not exist. After finding “cottagecore, academia, royalcore” and the world of classified groups of aesthetics, my interest in these areas has increased massively. The idea of finding and creating beauty in one’s own life fits into this wonderfully. “Aesthetics” can apply in many areas, but I have a crazy idea for a small business associated with this; more on that later.

Music~
While music has been a part of my life ever since I can remember, I do not practice or hone my skills in it as much as I wish to these days. Singing along with the radio does not count, though a happy thing. I haven’t had any vocal training, and it’s been years since my piano lessons, but one of my goals is to exercise these like I would a muscle. The day before yesterday, I got home from work, sat down and played piano for at least half an hour. It was cringey. My piano is out of tune. As with anything, practice will make this better. I know when I was singing regularly, my control and pitch were much improved.

Writing~
I think my longest standing career dream was to be an author. That dream has also changed but I still love to write. Like piano or singing, this is a creative muscle that I need to exercise to improve. I have never successfully finished a story. Endings are terribly difficult. This applies to my writing as well. Thankfully, blogging here will help me improve my writing and is a wonderful creative outlet to kind of hold my other interests.

Those are the main categories of things I hope to explore and grow in. There are, of course, many facets of this including travel, language, sewing, photography, and design. I want to make life beautiful.

Thank you for joining me.

Hello there!

Welcome to Rabbit & Crown. “What is this place?” you might ask. Well, that is exactly what we are going to journey to find out.

I’ve wanted to have a blog for various reasons but have never found one that fits; blogging to barely anyone about my health habits, my day, bits and pieces of nothing really. This one, might just stick and I sure hope it grows with me and my dreams and wonderings. This blog is for the what ifs, the excited info dumps, the tries and fails and the future.

Please join me as I seek out that future and document my travels. I don’t get to actually go anywhere just yet. A worldwide pandemic will do that to your trip plans. But, my imagination can conjure wonderous realms so we’ll have to settle for those currently.

I read somewhere, or maybe someone told me, that to find what you should devote your time to, what you’re passionate about, write down everything that completely holds your interest. The outside world fades away with all of it’s clamor of worry and stress. Here, those things can live and breathe and I will share them with you.

So please, come with me stranger. We may even become friends.