The Dream

Though my dreams and aspirations have become somewhat fuzzy these days, I realized that a core desire still remains.

My “what do you want to be when you grow up” answer has ranged from being a mother, to being an event coordinator, to being an author, to teaching English in Japan. Realizing that I currently don’t know what I want to do and that my interest in any previous 5 year plan has flatlined, is both discouraging and confusing.

Years ago, one of my dear cousins and I were looking for locations to do photo shoots. Various abandoned buildings presented themselves but one lives in my memory, solid, to this day. It was the most beautiful brick instrument factory. Sun reflected off of the large multi-glass pane windows, vines climbed the exterior elevator and the sturdy front door: stained glass window and rich finish on the dark wood, provided contrast to the pavement and metal.
It was for sale. We dreamed of buying it and renovating the inside to be full of conduits for potential. There would be various bedrooms, a library, a professional level kitchen, a music studio, art studio, dance studio, workshop and room for more. The building was large. The vision was that people with cohesive personalities and interests could live there in community and create through the different avenues. It would be our place.
Of course neither of us had much money at the time and the lot was bought by someone else. I don’t know what became of that building. I’d like to think that the new owner did something beautiful with it instead of knocking it down and building cookie cutter condos. In my mind, it is what we dreamed it could be.

My more recent idea for a small business, I’ve realized, would fit into that fantasy as well. I want to create experiences for people who, like me, are stuck in the 9-5 grind and wish they could live a different life, but can’t. Boxed escapes brought to you not just by me, but by partnering with local artists and other small business creators. One of the reasons it hasn’t happened is because it requires a massive amount of prep, organization, community and time.
A different dear cousin is visiting me this weekend and she spoke of her roomate, an author who “collects” other artists. People supporting and working with each other, like minded, creating beautiful elements that, as a whole, reach the desired outcome. It brought me back to that dream of the abandoned instrument factory.

Admittedly, these particular people don’t fit what society deems normal or typical but there is a richness in individuals working to understand each other and support growth, even painful, in each other. It’s not something that I’ve felt comfortable sharing here before but I am what some call neurodivergent. It roughly means that my brain doesn’t work the typical way. There are a lot of people who fit into that descriptor and it’s still highly stigmatized. When we are able to share with like-minded individuals, unafraid to be ourselves, it is so beautiful. Safety to exist as you actually are in a community is not something that everyone has the occasion to value on the same level. Meaning, if you fit into societies expectations, you aren’t consistently putting energy toward presenting yourself in a way that is comfortable for others.

I may not know my solid, attainable dream for my future right now but I do know that having the support from people who understand me, and the ability to create and essentially share my heart with people in that way, that’s the dream.

Thank you for reading, strangers and friends.

Pinterest board for the factory is here.

Outdoor Ambitions

A breeze keeps blowing my loose strands of hair into my face and if I tilt my head just right, I can see a threading of web reflecting light through the blades of grass. The smell of someone grilling and the sound of birdsong mix now with the quiet clack of the keyboard. I am somehow in a different life but it is my own.

I haven’t read an actual book in maybe, over a year. Someone was kind enough to send me one off of my Amazon wishlist, suggested by my mentor. It’s so beautiful outside today again, after most of the week being rain and snow. Going on a walk is suggested but the mentally tired bug bit me earlier today and was not shaken. Resting outside, reading for the first time in forever, carding my fingers through the velveteen fur of my rabbit, has melted the work day away.

It’s not just any book either. It’s not an escape (which I am constantly seeking) or a cover up. It requests that I face reality and ask myself hard questions.

we need to figure out where we are before we plot a course forward

Bob Goff – Dream Big

I am urged to open my eyes, take a clear look at everything I think about myself and why, sort through my desires and ambitions as if doing an internal spring cleaning, and truly put in the work to make my life what I long for it to be.

No more doing what merely occupies, entertains, and numbs us?

Bob Goff – Dream Big

Can you be honest with yourself? How difficult is it for you?
As the light fades into evening and the breeze becomes chilled, I will go back inside but take these questions with me.

From only three chapters into the book, I already highly suggest it. Have you heard of it? Read it? Dream Big by Bob Goff

Hope and Sunshine

It’s finally the weekend and I’m sitting on my bed soaking up the sunshine streaming in through my window as I write. I find that inspiration strikes me the most when there is either sunshine, starlight, or pain to draw from.

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I want to explore things that I’m fully present in and am passionate about so, I will touch on what some of those things tend to include.

Cooking~
Finding new combinations, learning about ingredients, making beautiful food, all of these things draw me to cooking and baking. A large part of finding things fulfilling or enjoyable for me, seems to involve the narrative I can imagine along with it. Even if it’s just putting some take-out into a pretty dish, cooking and baking is, for me, about how it looks as well as how it tastes.

Aesthetics~
The look and feel of things really enable me to escape to places that I may never get to visit or simply do not exist. After finding “cottagecore, academia, royalcore” and the world of classified groups of aesthetics, my interest in these areas has increased massively. The idea of finding and creating beauty in one’s own life fits into this wonderfully. “Aesthetics” can apply in many areas, but I have a crazy idea for a small business associated with this; more on that later.

Music~
While music has been a part of my life ever since I can remember, I do not practice or hone my skills in it as much as I wish to these days. Singing along with the radio does not count, though a happy thing. I haven’t had any vocal training, and it’s been years since my piano lessons, but one of my goals is to exercise these like I would a muscle. The day before yesterday, I got home from work, sat down and played piano for at least half an hour. It was cringey. My piano is out of tune. As with anything, practice will make this better. I know when I was singing regularly, my control and pitch were much improved.

Writing~
I think my longest standing career dream was to be an author. That dream has also changed but I still love to write. Like piano or singing, this is a creative muscle that I need to exercise to improve. I have never successfully finished a story. Endings are terribly difficult. This applies to my writing as well. Thankfully, blogging here will help me improve my writing and is a wonderful creative outlet to kind of hold my other interests.

Those are the main categories of things I hope to explore and grow in. There are, of course, many facets of this including travel, language, sewing, photography, and design. I want to make life beautiful.

Thank you for joining me.