Thoughts; Out of Place

This blog originally, was meant to push me towards my dreams. Those dreams seem both unclear and out of reach these days. I know I’m making progress, have things that I’ve dreamt of, and if I put in the effort and work, more could happen. I don’t know what is wrong. It’s like I’m stuck in a cycle of not belonging in my own life. That sounds crazy when you say it out loud but no other description quite seems to fit; always feeling out of place in my own existence.

Having time to rest, as well as get things done this weekend, has left me motionless. It’s not a comfortable lack of movement. Instead, I have no interest in things that, even a few hours ago I was excited about.

I started working on cutting out squares for a memory quilt of t-shirts that I no longer wear. It was really fun at first, taking up most of my focus, even hiding the fact that I needed to eat lunch. But as each new piece brought up memories, my mental energy and excitement from finally working on this project drained; processing multiple aspects of the times past. Being a very sentimental person doesn’t seem to have an advantage at any point in time. There’s a large chunk of time that I miss how things were, though they were hard. This is a different hard I guess.

Maybe it’s because a milestone birthday is coming up for me and I don’t see the change that I want to. Maybe it’s the fact that the things I want and don’t have, won’t “fix” this.

Anyone else experiencing a strange, empty, stuck feeling as we are slowly coming out of the pandemic? The general public that I attempt to assist during the week at my job, definitely appear to have been affected. Almost no one seems to be able to process the changes happening without taking out stress and frustration on others. I digress.

There it is: Existential crisis, a world in crisis, frustration with myself for having a hard time despite everything I’m blessed with.
As I’m coming up on a new decade of my life, do you have any tips for a future that seems so uncertain? If you have felt the way that I am, what helped you?

Thank you for sitting with me, friends and strangers.

Pajama pants worn many Christmases, a favorite of my dad’s dress shirts, a very bright childhood shirt, and a shirt from one of the years riding the MS-150

May it be

Hello Strangers and Friends,

Do you ever go through periods of time when nothing interests you and you can’t force yourself to care about what previously, was all you thought about? Last week I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, care about anything, be interested in anything, despite the week before being full of motivation and inspiration.

I still don’t have the desire to put effort or focus into my usual interests but I’ve managed to force myself to accomplish the responsible things like laundry and cleaning; still working having an appetite. There are two things that have garnered my attention and interest. Unfortunately, they are not specifically productive to this blog or my creative goals that I can see.

A large amount of brain space has been occupied by the newest series on Netflix to snag my for-now obsession. It’s had the power to make me buy the books only a day after finishing season 1. I haven’t bought books in years, let alone with the fervor of expectant waiting that follows the tracking of my package. I’m both pleased with this outcome and displeased that it hasn’t happened for my other interests or the other books already on my shelves. I guess I’ll take what I can get.

The other object of my interest and excitement: planning a short trip for my birthday this summer. While I had originally been planning on international travel, this trip is just full enough of aesthetic dream content to stir my meh brain. My friend and I plan to stay in a lovely little cottage on a farm where there is plenty of opportunity to live out the associated fantasy. There is still much to be done for this trip but the knowledge that we will be able to stay at the gorgeous Airbnb and that I’ve gotten the minimum time off work approved, gives me that lift that I could really use right now.

Are you feeling oddly blah and kind of down despite Spring pushing through and things looking up as far as returning to “normal life” goes? What are some things that have caught or held your interest?

But first, coffee.